.... pointless.

... that's how I feel anyhow.

Do I really matter?
You know, the kind of questions you ask yourself in the night and think that "hey, I'm not so great a person" and want to go back to sleep but can't because you just ... feel unfeeling kinda state?

..... I'm feeling perverse.
If no one notices, I don't feel like mentioning the point kind of perverse.

*sighs and watches*

..... just me.

sorta semi-writing.

From Fugen's POV, as usual.


"... if it is impossible, the wish of my heart ... why ask?"

.........

seeing how I've just dumped my problems on everyone, I might as well dump it some more and finish the job.

I'm tired of being the one to reach out and try to talk to people and end up feeling like I'm talking to a Voice Mail message.
I might actually get some work done instead of futilely looking for a shoulder to lean on and a little warmth to borrow.

For people who don't want to bring up past history - what do you think you're doing when you ask me about how strange it was when so-and-so acted as if they couldn't possibly be the way they are now?

For people with double standards - I don't care about other people. I care about how you treat me. If you expect me to act a certain way you better act the same too.
And I'm sick of feeling as if people are holding back when I'm there being completely open and pouring the entire bag of truth out so that I can get a little honesty in exchange.

For people who want to know what the hell I want - I just want company. Company with CONVERSATION, dammit, not just be totally random and throw me words. That does nothing for me. I want to know people and have people know me. I want to actually accomplish something, do something together.

BUT I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF IT IF YOU'RE JUST DOING THIS CUZ YOU FEEL SORRY FOR THE POOR LONELY BABY, DAMMIT!

I want people to do it because they care so they noticed and they want to even if I have AIDS or something equally noxious.

I want to feel just a little special, too.
It doesn't even matter if I'm not your priority item as long as I'm SOMEWHERE on the list and not just pulled to the top of the todo list out of some martyred sense of "oh, the poor thing needs attention, I guess I gotta be the one to make her happy for now." and then passed over when people can't take it as some sort of hot potatoe.

.... it's pervese, selfish, and utterely self-centered/self-serving.
I know that very well.
If you don't want me the way I am, just don't ever talk to me again.

And it's not you, Sengy.
It's not you either, Spacie, Kuni.
You're the ones who've actually kept me sane and this empty feeling at bay since you DO aim me first (whether I realize you're on or not - aim takes an awfully long time to load sometimes).

EDIT: And it's not philhubby or harukitty either. You two have been on when you can, and give me the attention I need and crave when you are on. I'm only sorry I haven't been able to give as much back in return.

It's just that I haven't been able to reach anyone else lately.

*just remember to breathe*

..... this is pathetic.

I get more intelligent replies out of Smarterchild than some actual people.